There was once a time when I would wake up every morning asking myself if I really wanted to continue living. Honestly, in those days I was tired of living. Tired is an understatement of how I felt.
I hated everything about living. I hated waking up. I hated friendships and people and life generally. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to not exist.
The reason was because no one really prepared me for life.
Yes they sent me to school and there was church and tonnes of programs and prayer sessions but the most important parts were missing.
The parts where they prepare me for real life. The parts where they separate my imaginations from reality.
I remember when I was in highschool. I remember my friends, MNPEQ. It was a clique sort of. Truthfully, we were just friends. We made our nicknames into MNPEQ. E for emzykita.
We wanted to be Adults so badly. We shared our daydreams with each other. We all had this amazing dream where 4 of us were doctors. N was in art class. Today, I talked to Q and we both wished we had enjoyed our friendship more and dreamed less of the future.
You should totally read this
Guess what, no one among us is studying medicine. Life showed us pepper. Life showed me pepper and I still have it better.
We had everything figured out. The five of us. We were all brilliant. We thought that was enough. Maybe if someone had slapped us back to reality, the fall into adulthood wouldn’t have been so painful.
What broke me was struggling so hard for medicine and not getting it. Plus friendships that turned sour because we all were just figuring out life.
When I had just resumed to OAU to study a course I have no interest in, that was one of my low moments. Then there were this careless people who would just make me feel even worse about my course.
“What course are you studying?” He asked
“Soil science” not because I wanted to but because life put me there. Because life had other plans for me.
“So you guys mix soil and join soil together” I guess that dude was trying to be funny. Trying to break the ice between a stranger he had just met sitting under trees and wondering about her future.
You know what I hated most in those moments? The uncertainty. The “It’s a good course. It’s a good course you can work anywhere.” When their faces said something else.
Something on introspection
That’s not enough to make anyone depressed right? Ordinary course pfft
Not when you are the first born. Not when your mum is spending everything she can to make sure you Excel. Not when you feel like an investment because you are an investment…
Do you know what that is? It is weight. Responsibilities and obligations. It is feeling helpless.
Quick question, if everything you spent 7 years working towards fall apart, how do you handle it?
First you cry. You just cry.
And then you hope. You hope that everything would be okay. That somehow miraculously things would change.
Then you pray. With faith. With anger. With tears. With hurt. You pray.
When that doesn’t work, you cry.
You hope, this time for a different result. You hope that everything would just be okay.
That you won’t end up as a jobless graduate.
You become sad. So sad that everyday just passes by and you don’t notice. So sad that you don’t know the latest trends. You don’t chat. You don’t care. You just exist.
And then slowly, you stop laughing. Nothing is fun. You find yourself sitting alone and wondering why you are here. Why dreams don’t come true.
You wonder about what your friends are doing and if they are happy. You find yourself staring at other people wishing you could trade places.
Slowly, slowly you slip away from your humanity. You lose sleep. You lose friends. And when you wake up every morning, you wish you didn’t exist because everything annoys you.
Because no one told you that your country preys on people’s dreams like a lion and an antelope.
You try to move on but you feel stuck. And afraid. Scared even. What if your new dreams don’t come true? What if you fail again? So instead of daydreaming about enjoying life you let yourself fantasize about disappearing.
Who would even notice that you are gone? That you are dead. Who would notice you don’t exist anymore?
So why am I still here?
Well I’m here because I found people, who like me found out the hard way that dreams don’t really come true the way we think. That even prayer cannot fix things. .
I found people who were also struggling to get on their feet. People who were struggling to remain sane. And I knew I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only sad person roaming around the surface of the earth.
I wasn’t the only one uncertain about the future. There were people who had it worse than me. I was lucky in so many ways. And just because one door had closed didn’t mean everything was over.
In those moments, I found myself as a writer. I found other skills I had dropped on my quest for medicine. I found my novels. I found mo. I found me. I found Kita.
And no, finding myself was not enough. It was just the beginning. It was the reason I woke up everyday with a feeling of hope.
Maybe I’m here because like everyother person, I’m hoping that everything would be okay.
From then to now, I have grown a lot. I have grown a little too much. I’m stronger. Not physically. I still look exactly the same. Sort of.
I’m stronger emotionally. I have learnt to drop some burdens and carry the ones that belong to me. I have learnt to enjoy the process. That life is a journey. Am uncertain one.
Check out this poem I wrote for my best friend
The thing called life is a journey that starts when you are born. Where you choose to go and how you travel depends on how you were born and who gave birth to you.
Your knowledge of the journey depends on how much your parents or guardians know. How much they tell you.
And at some point, it depends on how much false knowledge you are willing to part with. How much you are willing to learn or grow.
In the thing called life, your destination depends on knowledge. It depends on who you meet, who meets you.
There is no specific destination. You just keep going till you can’t go anymore. And when you meet hurdles, it’s your choice to give up, to attack, to fight it or to go around it.
I chose to go around, that’s why I’m still here.