I'm deeply flawed but I still love me

I’m deeply flawed but I still love me

 

When I was small, I loved telling stories

 

Hey there I’m Kita. You probably know cause, this is Kita’s blog or Kita’s space.

 

Whatever I’m just going to get talking.

I started this blog a year and some months back and I’m not sure what I was thinking when I started. Okay I was thinking about money and independence and using my talent and stuff. It’s been one year and I’m not sure I know what I’m doing. I’m not sure about anything really. I’m not going to lie.

I have always been a story teller. Like since I was a kid, I would make up stories about the flying mat or the big rat. I pretty much loved telling stories. I loved reading too.

As a kid I would memorize story books because I read them too many times. So my mum and dad bought me more books. At six I had a favorite writer, Enid Blyton. She wrote about the famous five and different adventures. I loved those books, I loved writing.

Growing up I forgot. I got carried away by cartoons. No I enjoyed cartoons. I just didn’t read as much or tell as much stories. I kind of kept moving.

Maybe I considered a career in writing once or twice. Especially after meeting Susan, my neighbor at Abuja. She also wrote stories. We must have been 9. She would fold A4 papers and wrote different stories with illustrations.

After school we would sit on a mat and read the stories or colour them with crayons. It was fun. Writing has always been fun. And I started a blog cause why not?

Why not just have your own space and create your own stuff?

But right now, sincerely I don’t know what I’m doing with my life or if I’m just stressing for nothing.

I started talking about writing first but this post is about my flaws.

I would start again. Hello I’m Kita, AKA an ITK(I too know) and I’m deeply flawed.

My flaws

Flaw 1
I forget everything:

When you are me, your brain works fast and you come up with ideas. You jump into it and come with ideas while working on an idea. You forget the first idea and you just get lost and stressed for nothing. In the end, you don’t get anything done.

Sigh does this even make sense?

My brain is fast. I mean very fast and want to believe it’s not just me. I come up with plenty solutions for one problem but I don’t do them. Cause well I forget to.

Now I sound like I’m saying nonsense.

I started a blog. I was going to write about student lifestyle. That was my niche. I was going to write my thoughts. My musings and introspection. I was going to keep it natural. It was going to be straight from the heart but I forgot.

I went through the whole process of starting a blog from a blogger account to moving to wordPress but I forgot the reason behind it.

The reason was first because I loved writing. I wanted more people to see my stories. But I forgot that. I got caught in the chase for making a million dollars from blogging and what’s not. Don’t get me wrong, I want to make a million dollars but the plan was to write from my heart.

The plan was to write content people my age can relate to. The untold stories of our everyday struggle as Nigerian kids. That was the plan.

But I got lost in the world of SEO and complicated stuff that has nothing to do with writing. So I spent hours and days frustrated. And writing became annoying and a burden.

My first flaw is that I forget things easily.

Flaw 2
I secretly seek validation for my art.

We all need a little validation, especially creatives. But validation is deadly. Validation causes writer’s block.

Its my flaw. I wanted people to love what I write. We all sort of want people to love what we do. If you think about it, we humans are taught a lot of things for validation sake.

So I didn’t write from my heart. I wrote for people. They are two different things. And they kill me. I hate writing for people. I love expressing myself because that is what writing is to me. It is expression.

I think I wrote for people because everyone else is writing for people. Remember I started a blog right, I did research. Everyone followed a pattern. They sounded like they were offering services. They knew what they were doing. Seemed like unless you sound like the most high teacher, no one would take you seriously.

So I wrote a couple of blog posts in that pattern and I hated it. I know I said I’m an ITK but hey I don’t like following laws when it comes to writing.

I don’t want to sound like I know it all. Quite frankly, I’m just starting out my life. I’m going to make mistakes. I don’t want a blog post that guilt trips me.

But if I don’t sound like I know what I’m doing, I’m not going to rank number 1 on Google. So people are not going to see my post. So ultimately… I’m wasting my time( vicious cycle of validation.) Anything for the big buck right? maybe the true flaw is wanting money…

There’s a tonne of stuff on SEO and getting found on Google. Post with Value Yada yada bla bla… There are rules to follow. They sound easy but… Heck it’s a lot of competition.

Writing for people is a lot of competition and stress. I just want to express myself and know I’m not alone in this adulting business in Nigeria and have people see it.

Honestly if there’s any flaw that has to come off totally, it is people pleasing. Truly I’m done trying to please people. I’m just going to write and not expect anything from anyone.

Flaw 3
I don’t communicate much

Prior to starting a blog, I stopped communicating with people. I have gotten hurt in this friendship business.

I’m scared plus I hate small talks. I’m more scared of gossips. If they gossip with you, then they are gossiping about you.

I’m scared of being vulnerable with people and having them use it against me. I used to be very playful. Like I was crazy. I still am(low key) but I have had to tone it down. Because people don’t take playful people seriously.

I think it’s one of the things that sent me into my shell. I just lost interest in chatting or meeting new people. People hurt weak, vulnerable soft people. Just because I’m playful doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain. Like if you say hurtfully stuff I’mma cry. I’mma ugly cry.

Plus I had this major depressive episode that lasted months. It was really bad and I just sort of realized that everyone cares only about themselves. Including me. For instance in a group picture, the first person we look for is ourselves. So, why should I kind of bother anybody with my wack communication skills?

People are all about making money and doing business and stuff. I just want to mind my business too and do my own thing.

But we all need to communicate to feel good. All the distractions on social media cannot replace the joy we get from good communication. Which is why I have been working on trusting people with my thoughts and words. Yeah. Lack of communication causes depression. I never want to be back in that cage. Ever.

See all of the 30 questions I would be asking myself every year before I turn 30

Flaw 4
I hear but I don’t listen. When I listen I forget(see flaw one)

This is where my ITK flaw comes in. Remember I don’t communicate much, but when I do, I’m thinking about myself and replying. Not actually hearing the other person.

Major flaw. I don’t listen. I like talking too. As you can see, I have been talking. Damn, I’m a low-key talkative that hates communicating.

I talk a lot cause I have a lot to talk about. But I would rather not on most days. However, when I do talk… Let’s just say I yap on and on and I don’t listen.
Its bad I know. Everyone wants to talk to someone that listens. So I have to work on myself.

I’m done talking.

Uhm. I could write a whole book about my flaws and how they would hinder my growth if I don’t fix it. But I won’t. For very obvious reasons.

And I know I have all this flaws. I know I’m confused and I don’t know what I’m doing or if I’m doing it right. But that’s the joy of being 19… I have a lot of time to learn.

And in the past I have been self blaming and I have hated myself for all of this flaws. For not knowing what I’m doing. For doing too much at once. For not wanting to talk to people. For a lot of things really but now…

Now I just want to love myself with this flaws and improve. I want to be better for myself and for the people that love me.

So maybe every now and then I come up with way too much ideas than I can handle. And I burn myself out. I would just have to be calmer. I will have to do my best to remember to focus on one thing at a time and grow at my own pace.

Damn I love myself even though I have been actively seeking validation for my blog posts.

I love my thoughts and the way I write.

I love the things I write.

I don’t want to follow rules.

I don’t want to be like anybody. I just want to express myself.

I wrote this on self love

You know what, I want to meet new people. I want to hear what it feels like to be in their shoes. I don’t want to listen to myself all the time.

I want to listen to a lot of people.

Most especially, I want to write the things that matter. But I won’t be writing for people. I would be self expressing.
I’m deeply flawed, but I love myself. I’m smart and intelligent and funny(when I feel like) I’m creative in my own way.

Thats all I have to say tell me if we have mutual flaws in the comment section below.

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Hey hey it's Kita. Thanks for stopping by! I am a nineteen year old lifestyle blogger and I currently  Soil science in OAU. I love writing and sharing important and helpful information.

On my blog, you would find tips, stories, poems, interviews, rants, reviews and my journal.

Find out more about me here

6 thoughts on “I’m deeply flawed but I still love me”

  1. This is the second time that I farabale read through your blog and I kept wondering if we’re related😅.
    You referred to your other blog about the “30 questions”,..I find that a lil bit challenging .
    Great work though, I look forward to seeing more of your work.

  2. Hey Kita!
    I totally get you. We have a lot in common. I also have trouble remembering things like my book ideas.
    At a point in my life, close to a year, I literally wrote nothing. And I love Enid byton too. Her books? Not so much. I only have it green for her ability to write hundreds of books a year. That’s legit writing goals there.
    Aaaaannnd, conversations are really not my thing. I could make conversation on a chat but physically, I go over sentences in my head and they don’t come out, most of the time.
    So, yeah, we’re not perfect but we have only ourselves to love✌️✌️💖💖😊

    1. I wonder how Enid does it. Maybe someday I would be that disciplined with my creativity.
      I think that the world wants everyone to follow a specific pattern with the way it rewards more outspoken people more. it’s okay to be reserved.
      But it’s also important to understand why. Like am I reserved cause I’m scared when I move my mouth I might say something stupid?
      I used to feel like that with adults
      I personally think it’s harder to be reserved than it is to be outspoken.

  3. I guess you’re right.
    Everyone tries to fit in, and sometimes I do.
    But it was until I realised that it was okay to be different.
    Hell, the world needs different.

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